i can't sleep. even if i have a class today. lol.
so i browsed through my old blogs, and i found this post. it's dated may 30, 2007. it was my mom's first death anniversary. by then, it would be a few days before classes start at UP.
and i was still in a disoriented mode.
[i put comments on that post. these are highlighted in red and placed within brackets]
english tayo ngayon para medyo sosyal. tsaka hindi ganun ka-happy ang mood ng post na 'to. sorry kung barok ang english. pero keep reading. i hope you would not regret spending your time reading a piece of my life's work. [this was one of my first posts to apply a no-tagalog-word rule.]["reading a piece of my life's work." such silly talk. :)] after everything in pisay, after chasing my teachers for signatures for the last time as a pisay student and finally being cleared after a month since i returned my books, [clearance week. a grace period to settle all our accountabilities to the school. otherwise, we won't get our report card.] after stepping out of pisay for what may be the last time, what's next? most of my friends will not be studying in UP. although most of us are going to UP, not all will go to UP diliman. and not all that will go to UP diliman will take BS ECE. and not all that are qualified to get a degree in BS ECE will continue with it. [i already know a few people who left EEE.] philippine science high school now looks like an Arc de Triomphe that we've all left behind in pursuit of our dreams and ideals. and like the rues and avenues that branch off from the Arc de Triomphe, we had to take separate roads to shape our lives in what we hope to become in the future. [ah ok. i know it doesn't have to be that symbolic. but it makes sense.] college now seems an entirely new different world to me. a new world that i have to conquer on my own. and i do not know what to do. i'm still crippled by the loss of my mother a year ago. and i'm still trying to stand on my own feet while helping to make my brother learn to stand on his own, without help from anybody. [i'm still under the same struggle.] and since i may no longer see some of batch 2007 again, i feel like i have to restart everything. i feel alone again, [more than a year later: i no longer feel alone. because i'm not alone. i'm just single. ampf. talk about being bitter.] just like four years ago, as i entered pisay, which was by then the greatest risk that i took. [i went through the same disoriented state after elementary, since none of my classmates from grade school made the cut.] i am so tired of thinking. i feel braindead now. and then i remembered something that sir vlad mentioned to us one time during econ class. [i learned so much from our econ class. not just econ stuff, most of which i have already forgotten by now, but things about life and God. sir vlad would be one of my most unforgettable teachers and mentors.] "change your paradigm!" i really never understood the concept of paradigm (nice job for being the first ever Gawad Supremo) [Gawad Supremo: title given to the winners of KKKwiz, a history quiz bee held during our Humanities Week. Gawad Supremos get their names immortalized on bronze (or bronze-looking) plaques. yes, my name is literally placed on the walls of pisay.] other than that you see blue everywhere when you look through blue-tinted glass simply because the glass was tinted with blue. if you look outside of the glass, nothing will be blue.in other words, how things look may seem different if looked at from different perspectives. [i never knew whether my understanding of a paradigm is correct.] but the hardest thing is, if you are exposed to the blue-tinted glass in a long period of time, there will come a time that you would not realize that you are looking through blue-tinted glass at all. similarly, if you look at things from one perspective too long, you will eventually forget that you can look through the same things with a different point of view. i have been exposed to pisay life for 4 years, and since then i had been looking at the world from a pisay student's point of view. [so, what is the pisay perspective? that i don't know how to explain.] now, i'm trying to look at my future from different points of view. nevetheless, i will never know what might happen in the future. so i cannot say on whether i'll be enjoying my stay in UP diliman at this point. [more than one year since this post: i do enjoy my stay in UP. thanks to UP Circuit, G18, and some of my classmates from other subjects.] because i have not yet gone through it. even if i'm looking through my glasses, through the blue-tinted glass, or through pisay life and experience, i will never know what lies ahead. only God knows the future. the only thing do is to make sure that we have a clear look, a fresh paradigm at what lies ahead...
wow. so much had passed since my last post four months ago. [i do not update my blog much often back then.] back then i was furious at myself for not making it on the director's list for three times in a row, furious that my relationship with my str groupmates was spiraling downward [it's all my fault because i didn't give enough effort in our STR project.][STR == science and technology research. let's just say it's the high school counterpart of ECE198. or not.], and worrying that i would not graduate with honors (although it knew that it was a bluff since i needed an average of 1.8-something to graduate with honors. and the lowest average i attained so far in my pisay life was 1.6-something. and i knew it all along that i would not graduate with highest honors since i need a flat 1.0 average, or the next highest average, to do so.) [haha. define grade conscious.]
but what happened? i made it on the director's list on the last quarter of my pisay stay, with an average of 1.410. [mininum average requirement for director's list is a quarterly average of 1.500.] i was not satisfied at start because i was so close to attaining a higher average, but in the end i was contented that i made it. my relationship with my str groupmates improved. we even won the best poster during the ymsat week. [YMSAT Week == youth math, science and technology week: a week full of activities related to the sciences (duh). in contrast to our Humanities Week. also the week where we present our STR projects for general viewing. held every february.] (and we were so shocked because we all thought it was so ugly. [it had so much typos. :)] luckily they did not post it outside the str unit.) and i graduated with honors - one of more than 50 in batch 2007 to do so. [with honors: GWA not lower than 1.5; with highest honors: GWA not lower than 1.2. rough equivalent of magna cum laude and summa cum laude in up. :)]
and now that we are being stripped of this pisay-tinted glass with which i had looked thorugh to view the world for so long, we are blinded by how the world looks without pisay life. [or not. i think i've been too attached to pisay to say this.] so this was where i had been mistaken.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|11:36 PM|
i can't sleep. even if i have a class today. lol.
so i browsed through my old blogs, and i found this post. it's dated may 30, 2007. it was my mom's first death anniversary. by then, it would be a few days before classes start at UP.
and i was still in a disoriented mode.
[i put comments on that post. these are highlighted in red and placed within brackets]
english tayo ngayon para medyo sosyal. tsaka hindi ganun ka-happy ang mood ng post na 'to. sorry kung barok ang english. pero keep reading. i hope you would not regret spending your time reading a piece of my life's work. [this was one of my first posts to apply a no-tagalog-word rule.]["reading a piece of my life's work." such silly talk. :)] after everything in pisay, after chasing my teachers for signatures for the last time as a pisay student and finally being cleared after a month since i returned my books, [clearance week. a grace period to settle all our accountabilities to the school. otherwise, we won't get our report card.] after stepping out of pisay for what may be the last time, what's next? most of my friends will not be studying in UP. although most of us are going to UP, not all will go to UP diliman. and not all that will go to UP diliman will take BS ECE. and not all that are qualified to get a degree in BS ECE will continue with it. [i already know a few people who left EEE.] philippine science high school now looks like an Arc de Triomphe that we've all left behind in pursuit of our dreams and ideals. and like the rues and avenues that branch off from the Arc de Triomphe, we had to take separate roads to shape our lives in what we hope to become in the future. [ah ok. i know it doesn't have to be that symbolic. but it makes sense.] college now seems an entirely new different world to me. a new world that i have to conquer on my own. and i do not know what to do. i'm still crippled by the loss of my mother a year ago. and i'm still trying to stand on my own feet while helping to make my brother learn to stand on his own, without help from anybody. [i'm still under the same struggle.] and since i may no longer see some of batch 2007 again, i feel like i have to restart everything. i feel alone again, [more than a year later: i no longer feel alone. because i'm not alone. i'm just single. ampf. talk about being bitter.] just like four years ago, as i entered pisay, which was by then the greatest risk that i took. [i went through the same disoriented state after elementary, since none of my classmates from grade school made the cut.] i am so tired of thinking. i feel braindead now. and then i remembered something that sir vlad mentioned to us one time during econ class. [i learned so much from our econ class. not just econ stuff, most of which i have already forgotten by now, but things about life and God. sir vlad would be one of my most unforgettable teachers and mentors.] "change your paradigm!" i really never understood the concept of paradigm (nice job for being the first ever Gawad Supremo) [Gawad Supremo: title given to the winners of KKKwiz, a history quiz bee held during our Humanities Week. Gawad Supremos get their names immortalized on bronze (or bronze-looking) plaques. yes, my name is literally placed on the walls of pisay.] other than that you see blue everywhere when you look through blue-tinted glass simply because the glass was tinted with blue. if you look outside of the glass, nothing will be blue.in other words, how things look may seem different if looked at from different perspectives. [i never knew whether my understanding of a paradigm is correct.] but the hardest thing is, if you are exposed to the blue-tinted glass in a long period of time, there will come a time that you would not realize that you are looking through blue-tinted glass at all. similarly, if you look at things from one perspective too long, you will eventually forget that you can look through the same things with a different point of view. i have been exposed to pisay life for 4 years, and since then i had been looking at the world from a pisay student's point of view. [so, what is the pisay perspective? that i don't know how to explain.] now, i'm trying to look at my future from different points of view. nevetheless, i will never know what might happen in the future. so i cannot say on whether i'll be enjoying my stay in UP diliman at this point. [more than one year since this post: i do enjoy my stay in UP. thanks to UP Circuit, G18, and some of my classmates from other subjects.] because i have not yet gone through it. even if i'm looking through my glasses, through the blue-tinted glass, or through pisay life and experience, i will never know what lies ahead. only God knows the future. the only thing do is to make sure that we have a clear look, a fresh paradigm at what lies ahead...
wow. so much had passed since my last post four months ago. [i do not update my blog much often back then.] back then i was furious at myself for not making it on the director's list for three times in a row, furious that my relationship with my str groupmates was spiraling downward [it's all my fault because i didn't give enough effort in our STR project.][STR == science and technology research. let's just say it's the high school counterpart of ECE198. or not.], and worrying that i would not graduate with honors (although it knew that it was a bluff since i needed an average of 1.8-something to graduate with honors. and the lowest average i attained so far in my pisay life was 1.6-something. and i knew it all along that i would not graduate with highest honors since i need a flat 1.0 average, or the next highest average, to do so.) [haha. define grade conscious.]
but what happened? i made it on the director's list on the last quarter of my pisay stay, with an average of 1.410. [mininum average requirement for director's list is a quarterly average of 1.500.] i was not satisfied at start because i was so close to attaining a higher average, but in the end i was contented that i made it. my relationship with my str groupmates improved. we even won the best poster during the ymsat week. [YMSAT Week == youth math, science and technology week: a week full of activities related to the sciences (duh). in contrast to our Humanities Week. also the week where we present our STR projects for general viewing. held every february.] (and we were so shocked because we all thought it was so ugly. [it had so much typos. :)] luckily they did not post it outside the str unit.) and i graduated with honors - one of more than 50 in batch 2007 to do so. [with honors: GWA not lower than 1.5; with highest honors: GWA not lower than 1.2. rough equivalent of magna cum laude and summa cum laude in up. :)]and now that we are being stripped of this pisay-tinted glass with which i had looked thorugh to view the world for so long, we are blinded by how the world looks without pisay life. [or not. i think i've been too attached to pisay to say this.] so this was where i had been mistaken.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|11:35 PM|
I Can Wait Forever
Air Supply
When you say, I miss the things you do
I just want to get back close again to you
But for now, your voice is near enough
How I miss you and I miss your love
And though, all the days that pass me by so slow
All the emptiness inside me flows
All around and theres no way out
Im just thinking so much of you
There was never any doubt
Chorus
I can wait forever
If you say youll be there too
I can wait forever if you will
I know its worth it all, to spend my life alone with you
When it looked as though my life was wrong
You took my love and gave it somewhere to belong
Ill be here, when hope is out of sight
I just wish that I were next to you tonight
And though, Ill be reaching for you even though
Youll be somewhere else, my love will go
Like a bird on its way back home
I could never let you go
And I just want you to know
Chorus
I can wait forever
If you say youll be there too
I can wait forever if you will
I know its worth it all, to spend my life alone with you
(repeat chorus 3 times)*****i used to love that song.
but now i feel bitter every time i hear that song.
it's the first song that i heard on the day i knew we can't be together.
and the lyrics hit me hard as hell.
from the things that happened lately...
it got me thinking...
when will it be my turn?
but then, it should have been my turn long ago.
but i was too stupid to let go of that chance.
back when i almost had it.
argh.
they say, only time can tell.
yes. i can wait forever.
but i'm already tired of waiting forever.
i wish i had the courage to make the move.
and risk everything.
just for her.
i miss her so much. :'(
if only she knew...
metamerism reminisced his memories
|9:43 PM|
since i'm not yet sleepy, and that eee13 exam still has its hangover, and i'm not yet in the mood to continue our mp, here are more random thoughts. ***** RANDOM 1 fuck that eee13 exam. that exam really, really proved how worthless our lec instructor is. [her name won't be mentioned for confidential reasons.] i'm positively sure there were some items that weren't in the slides and i'm positively sure they weren't even mentioned during discussion at all. [yes, i still listen to ma'am **** during class. even though she tends to repeat every phrase she says even though she tends to repeat every phrase she says. :))] ***** RANDOM 2 i didn't know this at first... but our eee13 lec instructor is a member (a MODERATOR, in fact) of acad div's yahoo group. haha. but i know she's a circuit alumni. i even had her signature on my sigsheet back when i was an app. luckily i haven't mentioned anything about eee13 on the ygroup. or i'd be dead. >.< ***** RANDOM 3 only two commands more, and eee13 mp1 is finished. the code, i mean. there's still the documentation. [go isel~] thank heavens sir extended the deadline of the mp to wednesday. and of course, a special thanks to cielo for making that poll and inspiring sir to consider moving the deadline. ***** RANDOM 4 this isn't eee13-related. well, not directly. after our eee13 exam, rhoda, chet, melai and i ate at jollibee philcoa. then we had a mini intercourse (as melai puts it) until 11. haha. on the way home, i rode a jeep. and the driver is so bitchy. i paid twenty pesos to him. when i was near my stop, i asked for my change. "anong bente ka dyan? di ka pa nga nagbabayad eh." argh. since i had no time (and i'm not in the mood to argue back), i just gave him another twenty-peso bill. this time, he gave my change. but still. 28.50 pesos just for a jeepney ride that wasn't even longer than four kilometers. i'm not ranting about the 20 pesos that i lost. it's just that i can't believe that there are people who really are that contorted (and that desperate) for money to the point that they exploit other people just for their gain. let karma do its job on him. *****
metamerism reminisced his memories
|10:36 PM|
...before i resume my mp work. ***** RANDOM 1 i'm already tired of looking at C source codes. sure, i love programming. but i hate C. i miss writing programs in Java. because i find it easier. and i don't need to use malloc(size_t size); ***** RANDOM 2 following erwin's post, i looked up the definition of my name on urbandictionary.com. NEIL: Neil means; naked or one who is with out clothes. We also encourage the use of “Neil” as and expression of extreme emotion!! To be shouted at inappropriate times to release stress. ***** RANDOM 3 today is 28 august 2008. so i'm exactly 16 2/3 years old today. [which also makes me 16 2/3 years single. ampf. enough with the bitter talk.] ***** RANDOM 4 i haven't started writing my nth kas1 reaction paper. (where n approaches positive infinity.) well, the reaction paper was about a movie we were required to watch last tuesday afternoon. the title of the movie was "Anak Dalita," starring rosa rosal (if any of you know her.) one thing's certain: the movie is OLD. because rosa rosal looks very young in that movie. ***** i'm sleepy. so it's back to mp work before sleep consumes me entirely.(While you are in an exam)
Shouting out; NEIL! so what am i, the oblation? fine. try to shout out my name during an exam.. and all the answers you're looking for would hit you headfirst. haha. but there is another definition for neil which i find very disturbing. an extremely gay dude that, for some reason, loves squirrels and koalas. he thinks hes cool but the problem is that he cant think....and hes not cool, hes just very very gay. all-in-all, a neil is a gay person that likes cock, squirrels, and koalas fyi, i haven't seen live squirrels and koalas to begin with. MIRANDA: school girl by day, stripper by night very funny. :)) no further comments.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|9:14 PM|
the second eee 13 exam will be on this coming saturday. the machine problem is due the day before. so i really need time to study (and to finish the MP). so i really need to maximize my break times in favor of eee13 (and eee33, if ever the next part of problem set 3 comes out.) ***** the following was stolen from our kas1 'groups'. apparently this week is "Linggo ng Kasaysayan," a week of activities from the kas dept. ***** Agosto 26 Martes those highlighted in red are the ones i'm concerned with. ***** i don't know how or why, but my kas1 prof knows that i have a blog. i just don't know whether he refers to this blog, or to the one on blogspot, which is just an inexact mirror of this blog, since i repost some of my posts here to that blog. so i'll have to be more cautious making any comment. ***** well, one thing's for sure. this week, kas1 will take up all my free time on tuesday and thursday. oh well. i hope i get to attend the tree-planting activity because witnessing that activity is bonus for our first exam (which i feel i've flunked, if not passed with a low grade. seriously. so i really need bonus points.) and of course, i'm going to watch that film on the 2:30 run, since UP Circuit has a general assembly at 5:30. ***** but i'm not implying that kas1 gets in the way of my majors. i can cope with it. [or not. :)] ***** oh well. the last week of august is another hell week for me. my third hell week in a row, to be precise. >.< back to mp mode. >.<
7:30-8:20AM Pagtatanim ng Puno (Optional) UP Lagoon
2:30 PM Film Showing "Anak Dalita" (Required P70 per ticket) UP Cine Adarna
5:30 PM Film Showing "Anak Dalita" (Required P70 per ticket) UP Cine Adarna
Agosto 27 Miyerkules
1-5PM Kwentuhan sa Diliman (Required for WFW4 & WFY1) CM Recto Hall
Agosto 28 Huwebes
1-5PM UP as Heritage (Required for THX3 & THY2) CM Recto Hall
Agosto 29 Biyernes
2-5PM Graduate Students Paper Presentation (Required for WFW4 & WFY1) CM Recto Hall
metamerism reminisced his memories
|8:45 PM|
but no. i'm blogging again.
[ ] eee13 me4
[ ] eee13 mp1
[ ] eee33 probset 3.1
[ ] kas1 field trip reflection paper
i must finish everything by tonight.
but i haven't finished anything yet.
i'm not even halfway done with each of those requirements.
and i can't believe i'm cramming again.
so much for a target of zero cramming rate for this sem.
can't september come any faster?
*****
i take back what i wrote.
i must finish at least the probset and the reflection paper by tonight.
gah. >.<
oh well. back to work.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|8:36 PM|
(a piece of advice: finish whatever you're eating before you read on.) ***** ***** i've already been through a lot of experiences with blood. some of these were small things, like being taken a sample of blood from you twice on the same day, to more traumatic ones like that cat at the main lib. and there was this one incident when i was still in high school. i was an incoming junior back then. i was on the way to pisay. i was riding a jeep. then, there was this heavy traffic. on the other side of the road, i saw a jeep being towed away. its front was heavily damaged. and of course, the only way the front of a vehicle could be heavily damaged is if it had been involved in an accident. maybe it smashed into something, like a tree, a post, or another vehicle. and a few meters away i knew what happened. on the road was a motorcycle, also heavily damaged. and bent at an odd angle. (probably, the motorcycle was overtaking some other vehicle when it collided head on with the jeep on the opposite lane.) and right beside it was a man, lying face down on the ground. and his head was swimming in blood. from what it looked like, the vehicular accident had just occurred. because we had already gotten a few meters away from the scene when an ambulance came and brought the body. to date this is one of my most traumatic experiences with blood. ***** so why am i writing about it today, if it had been years since that incident? i mean, i should be somewhat over with that, right? well, a similar experience occurred just last night. i was on the way home from the kas1 field trip. and just like the previous incident that i related, i was riding a jeep. since i was tired from the field trip, i tried to sleep on the jeep. while i was sleeping, i was suddenly awakened because of a loud blowing of horns. and just about the same time, i heard a loud crash. the people beside me started screaming and gasping. i looked out to the side of the jeep, and i couldn't believe what i saw. the jeep i was on had just collided with a motorcycle. (correct me if i'm wrong, but i'm not a physics expert) the collision was inelastic, and from the law of conservation of momentum, the jeep couldn't stop immediately, so the motorcycle was dragged along by a few meters. well, probably because of fright and shock, or to avoid being associated with the incident, all of us got off the jeep and walked as far as possible from the scene. i couldn't see where the motorcycle driver was. he wasn't under the jeep (luckily, or else i'd really faint if i saw a body under the jeep.) but i saw large spots of blood near the jeep and a few meters from the site (probably at the exact place of impact.) i got on another jeep as fast as possible. and as i was leaving the site, i got a look from at the jeep's front, and it really looked like the jeep i saw being towed away. (in the previous incident i related.) ***** i don't want another traumatic experience. i'm already doing my best to remove this phobia, but no. more traumatic experiences just keep pn coming. and they somehow keep getting worse. so this is why i write about my traumatic experiences. ironically, doing this makes me forget them. and move on.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|7:22 AM|
metamerism reminisced his memories
|6:18 AM|
isn't happy at all! ***** damn all of you who persuaded me to watch those clips. i barely got over from that ill-fated cat at the main lib... and now i'm seeing scenes of violence, gore, death,.. and blood. gah. i hate (seeing, smelling, etc.) blood. even if the blood i see is fake. or from a cartoon, for that matter. ***** damn.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|4:49 PM|
but i'll remain haggard until the last day of august. ***** i may not yet be a math teacher, but i'm checking papers. i'm doing a favor for sir nat, so right now i'm checking four assignments of roughly 120 students. yes. four. i'm supposed to email the scores of the exam tonight, but i'm not halfway done. but sir nat understands that. he knew i had a eee33 exam last sunday, and the math54 midterms just this afternoon. [besides, he's a eee grad, so he knows how eee33 (or whatever it counterpart was back then) is not-so-easy.] the hard thing in checking math papers is, it's not as simple as checking a multiple choice exam. one thing's for sure - you have to read and understand the solution so you would be sure if he truly got the correct answer. [and sir nat won't give me an answer key so i need to solve the problems to find the correct answer.] and now i understand why the first exam scores for eee33 have not yet been released. [or maybe they're just too lazy, or too busy, to check our papers at once.] and being bitchy, i really wrote nasty comments on the papers that i checked. [luckily since they're not my students, they won't know me. :))] but i didn't comment on their handwriting. (less than five, out of a hundred and twenty, passed my standards) some of the solutions were just vague, as if their final answers jumped out of nowhere. ***** all my sundays of august (except august 31) aren't rest days. next sunday, i'm going to mt. banahaw for a field trip for kas1. that was a last-minute decision. actually, i didn't plan to join the field trip since i have a 6-day schedule, and sunday's my only rest day. i already passed a reaction paper that we were supposed to write if we won't join the field trip. but since GEs with field trips are not common, and i don't (and can't) go to banahaw on a regular basis, and just for the sake of experiencing and learning something new, i decided to join the field trip. and there's this cwts swimming on august 24. i didn't go to any of the two previous swimming classes for cwts (because i was sick on the first swimming class, and the second one's on just last sunday. although our swimming class was on morning and the eee33 exam was on the afternoon, i haven't studied much for eee33 back then so i had to cut that cwts.) and even though we had swimming as pe one quarter every year in high school, i still don't know how to swim. (although i know how to float) so i think i'll flunk the practicals. or at least i'll get a low grade. haha. ***** and there's this MP. i still haven't tried doing the MP (sorry isel :P) i forgot how to create makefiles, and i'm still thinking of a general plan on how to tackle the MP. how great. less than three weeks to go before the deadline. ***** the next eee13 exam would be on the last saturday of august. and, if i'm not mistaken, there's supposedly another eee33 exam this august. but chances are large this would be moved by a week or two. however, i have a bad feeling it would be on another sunday. happy me. and, according to my prof, chances are high that our first kas1 long exam would fall on the saturday before the eee13 exam. ewww. [well at least his kas1 is objective, and i don't find it hard to memorize facts. luckily, dates don't appear in his exams.] i also have another bad feeling that the next math54 exam and the next eee34 practical exam would fall on august. haaay. ***** oh well. i am sooo lucky. >.< ***** i need a rest. or an intercourse (ckt07 bonding, for those who would take that word literally). or a good novel. or a good movie. or lots of food. whatever. i need something to lower my stress level. gah. >.< ***** oops. i forgot. we have no classes on august 18 and 19 (and 25? not sure.) woot. at least i get to have rest days in august.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|7:42 PM|
[melai, isel, and aj: sorry, i just had to blog this. it's the only way i think i'll ever forget (and get over from) what happened.] ***** a piece of advice: if you are eating something while reading this, it's best to finish whatever you're eating before you continue reading. ***** ***** what hurts me a lot is when i see someone (i'm emotionally attached to) suffer, and i can't do anything but watch him in vain. here's the setting. after our eee13 lab, melai, isel, aj and i decided to eat pancit canton by the main lib. it's one of our usual habits (and this was the reason why we bought 20 packs of chili-mansi pancit canton for the overnight at rhoda's. but we never managed to eat them. haha.) ***** well, there was this cat, which, in many respects, is like tangee, that kitten who used to roam around the tambayan. anyway, this kitten was on the ground, asleep. while we were waiting for our pancit canton, we noticed that there were so many ants near the cat. from what it looked like, the cat was distracted by these ants, so it moved to the nearby road and resumed its nap. ***** then, while we were eating, somebody tried to park his car right on the spot where the cat was sleeping. he didn't notice the cat, so he actually... so he actually ran over the cat. well, the cat was still alive. i could still remember the look on its face as it tried to get out from under the wheel. we were frantically shouting, because that's all we could do. we couldn't do anything. of course, we can't lift the car. and we can't pull the cat out or else it would die. ***** but the driver apparently noticed something was wrong, based from our reactions. (hello. what would you do if you were about to park a car, then people eating calmly in a corner would all of the sudden scream, cover their eyes and look away? you would obviously sense that something's not right.) so he pulled out his car. and while he was doing so, the cat's insides exploded. like a balloon that's been sat on. or ran over for that matter. we were so horrified that from the moment we saw the cat being run over, we tried to move to another place so we won't see the cat writhe in pain. but we were too late. too slow. or rather, the events were too quick. as we were moving to another bench, i saw the cat's final, fatal horrifying moments. even that moment when the cat exploded. ***** and that asshole just parked his car on another spot. he didn't care at all about the cat. and just moments after, he left. we didn't know where the hell we went. ***** i couldn't take that incident off my mind. probably i was emotionally attached to that cat. like i said, the cat was in many respects similar to tangee, and i liked tangee. i even used to play with it back then when it used to roam around the tambayan. so from the moment i first saw the cat i became attached to it. or probably because i've witnessed the whole event. from the moment the cat was squished under the wheel to the time its insides burst. ***** this isn't a scene vividly crafted from one's imagination. it's real. and now i can't sleep because of this. i can't concentrate on what i'm studying because i keep on recalling that incident. so i had to write this because this is the only way i'd ever move on. i still feel guilty that i didn't do anything to alleviate the cat's suffering during that last few seconds of its life. i still feel guilty because we all felt the instinct to look away, to move away, while the cat was in pain. i want to light up a candle for that poor cat. ***** i'm not silly. it's just that i'm too (emotionally) involved to simply let this go and move on as if nothing happened.
metamerism reminisced his memories
|9:19 PM|
tomorrow (so this thursday), i have a report for kas1, and so my groupmates and i spent tuesday night at the AS lobby just trying to patch things up. i arrived at home by 10 pm. and by then i barely started my 33 probset. but since i was so tired when i got home, i decided to have a short nap. i'll wake up by 11 pm, then do the problem set until 3 in the morning. but no. i overslept. happy me. ***** i woke up by 4 am, and since i have to leave by 7.30 so i would make it to eee on time (or even earlier), i had roughly three hours to finish the probset. it should be a piece of cake, since all i had to do was rewrite my answers. but thanks to my OC instinct that i just don't know how to control, by 7 am only half of the probset was done. so the rest of the probset was super crammed. and although i finished majority of the probset, i left home by 8 am. and since never in history had my travel time been 30 minutes or less, i'm guaranteed to arrive beyond 8.30. which meant i couldn't submit my probset. yay. i arrived at eee by 8.45. luckily, the dept (still) accepted my (late) probset. so my efforts weren't laid to waste after all. whew. for once, i wasn't too late for 33. :) ***** math54 was a blur. i was so sleepy during that time that i actually fell asleep. haha. but not too long. because i still had track of what lesson sir leyson was discussing at that time. ***** and, as always, i don't know how to waste my next 3 hours. [every tuesday, wednesday, and friday, i have a break from 1 to 4. gah. what an ugly schedule.] so i decided to attend a lecture on eee21. it was really my first time to seat-in on another class, so i was (actually) excited to listen to ma'am tata. :) but ma'am tata walked out of the vlc. AND I SWEAR IT WASN'T MY FAULT. damn you, chuck. before ma'am tata started her (supposed) lecture, she clarified something about their probset. and then she told the class to keep their probset materials. and she started blabbing and so about the lecture, then suddenly she noticed that one of the students at front didn't keep his probset materials. ma'am tata was so furious she stormed out of the classroom. i'm sooo never going to seat-in on any other class again. haha. ***** by 4 pm, my last (and most boring) class every wednesday is eee13. i found it better not to listen to ma'am roma because she keeps on repeating what she says she keeps on repeating what she says (pun intended. :)) so i borrowed melai's laptop and played hangaroo and text twist while ma'am roma kept on blabbing kept on blabbing some stuff about pipes and file i/o [nosebleed]. then, she suddenly released the results of our first exam. i wouldn't comment on my score because i'm already contented with it. ***** oh well. what a day. and i'm sure this day is far from over because i still have work to do for kas1. this group report is like kas2 all over again. because we have to provide handouts, etc. just like in kas2. but i'm perfectly happy with the way things are going in kas1. at least the grades are more transparent (so i would really know if i was about to get a grade of INC.), and so far my standing after two quizzes and one reaction paper (for a total of 15% of my grade) is 1.00. :)) oh yeah. i really hope kas1 becomes my first ge with a final grade of 1.00. :)
metamerism reminisced his memories
|5:00 PM|